Ex's and middle school

Have you ever had one of those days when you'd swear that you were still in middle school even though you know for a fact that most middle schoolers don't have mortgages or need two jobs? Well I have them. Thankfully not too often. Today is one of those days.

I have an ex who can't seem to just let me alone. Every once in a while our whole painful past rears it's ugly head and slaps me soundly about the neck and shoulders. While I try to remain grown-up, it is the unfortunate truth that I always seem to end up back in middle school, complete with the eye roll so big my eyes are at risk of getting stuck in the back of my head.

Here's how the latest trip back to days best ignored began. My oldest son said;"There is someone from the church that wants to talk to you about getting my brother to talk to his dad." I said, "okay." showing just how dumb I can be. I honestly figured that the call would simply be a matter of 'Do you think that your son will talk to your ex?' Having contacted my son the answer would be a simple, 'No'. Easy, right? NOT!

So now the guy wants to know why and I tell him. Trying to stay as neutral as possible and trying to maintain the most forgiving tone that I can. Assuring the man as often as possible of the facts that I know and the ones that I have been told. It's hard to stay neutral because the events that occurred were so hurtful to my kids, but I hang in there; telling the man that I have been praying for this change for many years and have also told the ex that if he really loves this new wife that he should get his life in order. All true. Middle school question; why am I telling the guy this and why didn't my ex, who knows all this junk, not tell him? Answer; because I am a sucker and I talk too much.

I tell the man that the ex is still very angry with me because he think that I was vindictive in keeping the kids from visiting him after the "painful events." Events that culminated in my having to make a report to "Child Services" which was found to be "founded" but was never prosecuted. My kids didn't want to talk to or see the ex after that and because they were all minors I made sure that I respected their wishes, I felt that I was protecting them. It was always their choice. Remembering all that hurt is depressing at best.

The man says that the ex has changed and that he has forgiven me. I let him know that my kids tell a different story. He assures me that the ex has changed. I feel angry and resentful, but I don't feel that I can let the man know. Why should the ex forgive me? Shouldn't he be asking my forgiveness and that of the kids? I am the one who had to deal with kids who were hurt emotionally and physically after they visited him. I am the one whose reputation has been slandered to who knows how many people over the years because I was protecting my kids. I am the one who has said for years that the kids needed to make peace with him. AARRGGHH!

Enter middle school, stage left. Here's the rest of the story. I did tell the ex lies about why the kids were not visiting him; made lame excuses, whatever. I also tried to defend my stance to the kids because of my fear that he would hurt them more. I undoubtedly vilified him far more than necessary. Junk happens, I was afraid of him and of what he could do to my kids. I tried to be grown-up about the whole thing but I have to admit that when they initially re-established contact I was jealous. It didn't seem fair that the ex should enjoy the wonderful adults that I had raised. I wanted a "Cat's in the Cradle" kind of revenge I guess. Then I realized that I was not the only one who had raised these boys. I realized that God had put many people in our way that helped shape them into wonderful young men and that I couldn't take all of the credit (see, I do try to be grown-up). So I let it roll.

Oh lest we forget although I do try, I'm not out of middle school yet on this one. I still get edgy about the whole thing. I have to admit that I wish that we could have worked things out and that he would have been willing to make these changes for his children and for me, but in all fairness, I was no joy to live with either. I think that we both did the best that we could at the time. So the blame in this goes both ways, doesn't it always? It still makes me sad that someone else may see the fulfillment of my fondest dreams and that I am the one who is living alone except for the dogs, lots of dogs. ;-)

Just a lemons and pits kind of day... guess that's why there are books to read, lawns to mow and work to do. Hey! Maybe that's why my house gets dirty, so that there will never be an excuse for me to sit around and feel sorry for myself. Hmmmmm.